I found out there's no such thing as a miracle.

Today was a mess of emotions and junk food and pirated movies. My mom came home, which was nice, but honestly during all that time spent missing her I guess it must have slipped my mind just how anal she can be sometimes. I'm not complaining- I love her dearly- it's just, sometimes that's a lot easier to do from 20 miles away. I should just be grateful that's she here, and okay, right? I should be glad that at least one of my parents doesn't have a terminal illness. I really could not handle being orphaned before my Sweet Sixteen. That would suck. -_-
Oh, and another thing: I
fucking miss my ex-boyfriend. Like, I keep having this recurring daydream where he looks into my eyes and tells me how stupid he was to ever have thought he could live without me, and I just smile and let him initiate a passionate snogging session that may or may not result in fireworks and movie credits. I guess I've just seen Pretty in Pink far too many times, but... I don't know. This one was supposed to be the one. You have no idea how many forces of nature had to come together to make us happen, and then I went and screwed it up all in about 30 seconds of poor judgment. I'm not moving on, either. I can't. He meant the world to me, and it's gonna take one hell of an eighties' movie moment to put the pieces back together.
In other news:
I just got my period (felt the need to share that all with you, lulz) and am therefore currently a whale.
And the remake of the Amityville Horror is the shit. :D
Much Love-
BEE

  • Current Music
    The Shot Heard 'Round The World- Boys Like Girls

ED Related







CW: 112
LW: 92
HW: 115
GW1: 100
UGW: 90

I think that I shouldn't have any trouble getting under 100 by February 1st- just need lots of fasting, excercise, and a shitload of thinspo.Can't wait to blow up my new hot pink stability ball. :D
Of course, the lazy weak procrastinator inside me has decided to make this a New Year's Resolution, so... for the next three days, I'm stuffing my face like there's no tomorrow.

Lots of love-

BEE


P.S. That's a BMI of 19.8. Ew. :(
  • Current Music
    Bruised- Jack's Mannequin

Holy crap!

It all makes sense now.
At first I just thought I was cursed, or unlovable, or something like that. And maybe it's just all the chick flicks I've been watching lately, but in one of my lovely, "I love him so freaking much... what the hell happened?!" internal rants, I actually came to some form of conclusion.
I sabotaged us.
Not just that relationship, either. All of them. And since I've got time while Definitely, Maybe buffers, I might as well subject you all to tales of my previous romantic suicides.

1) The first love- Together a VERY long time, so very deeply in love... and one day, out of the blue, the words "We should see other people" come out of my mouth. No, I had no idea what possessed me to say them, and I spent MONTHS regretting them... but they were said. For no particular reason.
2) The best guy friend- This guy REALLY loved me. Still does. We could talk about anything, he made me laugh, and... the whole thing freaked me out. That one didn't last very long.
3) The sweetie pie- We were together a while, and I was so happy when I was with him. That is, until I decided to make out with his best friend.
And 4) The aforementioned best friend- Completely my type, sexy as hell, and sweet, to boot. Everything was perfect. Then I betrayed his trust, made him hate my guts, and had the audacity to whine about it for a solid month afterwards. And here we are.

So I've concocted this theory: I'm terrified of being happy, because I know it doesn't last... so, in a self-fulfilling prophecy type-way, I end it myself. I push everyone away just so they won't have a chance to leave. And I wonder why I'm always alone.

Forever and always-

BEE

  • Current Music
    Photograph- Nickelback

Ooh, I'm keeping my baby. :}

I'm pissed. I'm pissed because asshole step-father is making me babysit Robin. I'm pissed because babysitting Robin involves coming out of my room and turning off Knocked Up and actually sort of acknowledging the existence of a world outside of toasted bagels and E! I'm pissed that Robin is screaming her little lungs off, rendering my already slighty-incoherent typed-in-thirty-seconds rant completely unintelligible. And I'm pissed that I cannot spell the word "unintelligible" for the life of me.
Thank god for Bing.

xoxo-

BEE

  • Current Music
    Papa Don't Preach- Diana Agron (Glee version!)

Oh my, it's been a while. :-)

So apparently my adorably well-intentioned mission to "sort out my priorities" was an epic fail. To say the least.

On one hand, I lost the desire to starve myself... But that's only because I lost the desire to live, do schoolwork, and function. In fact, I lost the desire to do anything except for cry, eat, and cut myself. My self-esteem finally hit rock-bottom. I'm all alone, up about ten pounds and failing half my classes, and strangely... I'm turning to my eating disorder for help.
Let's try and catch you up, shall we?


THE events of the past few months, in no particular order;
  • I've been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which explains the body image issues and the self-injury. As an aside, I've also been diagnosed with ADHD, which explains the... everything else. :}
  • My dad developed an aggressive form of Lymphoma in early December. He's been hospitalized since, but he's doing a lot better, despite originally having only a few weeks to live. It's... stressful, to say the least. Currently, my mom is also hospitalized for something to do with her blood pressure, leaving me home alone with my four-year-old sister and my mom's asshole fiance.
  • I dated a guy for a couple months... ended up falling in love with his best friend, who ended up asking out my best friend. She said no, knowing I was in love with said guy, and I even broke up Guy #1 for him (the boyfriend's best friend... classy, huh?) Guy #2 and I hooked up for about a week behind Guy #1's back, and he was my whole world (still is). However, when I discovered the whole time Guy #2 was lying and flirting with my best friend, I ratted him out to his best friend, Guy #1. Needless to say, I was dumped, both guys now hate my guts, and I'm all alone.
  • Oh, and did I mention I almost gave my virginity up to Guy #2?
  • I turned 15. Sat home alone and baked myself a cake. Which I then proceeded to eat all by myself, crying.
Oh well. Maybe 2010 will be better (it would be mighty impressive for it to be worse).

Now and forever-

BEE

  • Current Music
    In the Dark- Flyleaf

Hiatus?



I know, I know. I've practically fallen off the face of the Earth... I've just been doing a lot of thinking (which I should know by now is never a good sign, haha)... and I've decided it might be good for me to take some time off of the blog. I kind of need to sort out my priorities.
xoxo-

BEE
  • Current Music
    Michael Bublé
  • Tags

Hold on, baby you're losing it.

I have never been so happy to get my period in my life... I knew there had to be a good reason that normally 107 pound me was 110+. It'll all be gone soon, though, thank god... I'm going to be under 100 for once and for all by Friday. I'm off to a fabulous start, now it's really all just a matter of time.
Well, I AM sort of nervous, because yesterday after I posted, my mom was like "I'm going to be paying more attention to your eating habits  from now on... I know you want to lose weight before school, but there are healthier ways to do it... I don't want you developing an eating disorder or something." No, really mom? I just smiled and lied through my teeth ("Oh, not really... I'm just honestly not hungry"... I wish!) So I guess I'll have to be a bit more careful. At home at least... one day until drama camp. I'm sort of nervous... But at least I won't have to worry about hiding my eating habits, as I never eat breakfast, I sort of just stare at my lunch, and for dinner, I'll just say I'm still so full from said lunch. Works like a charm.

xoxo-

BEE
  • Current Music
    Taylor Swift